Addiction has always been a complicated thing in my life. I grew up around addiction, within my family and friends, so it played a massive role in the way I learned to cope. I experienced trauma at a young age, which shaped my relationship with alcohol and other substances; I'm only 23, but I had my first sip (among many other firsts) over 10 years ago. The town I grew up in was very small and desolate, so you can imagine there was nothing to do for fun, so we made our own version of "fun". What started with swiping a couple of my dads beers and sneaking out with my friends, soon led to liquor, weed, pills, sex, bad grades, police, treatment facilities. A big, huge, ugly mess.
I will say, if it weren't for treatment (for my "poor behavior", and substance abuse), who knows where I'd be now. I was angry at my parents for a long time, but I later realized they probably saved my life. So, about 9 months of 3 different facilities later, my family moved us out of the state, across the country. We thought it would be a nice "fresh start", considering everything. Life was pretty okay for awhile, until it wasn't.
My parents split, about a year after we moved. I smoked weed every day. Skipped school a lot. I drank. Then I got myself into what would be the most toxic relationship I'd ever been in. It was abusive in every way. We're not together anymore, but I had a child with him, who I now have shared custody with. Things are better now in that aspect, but man was it fucking rough for a few years.
My daughter is now 5, but the courts were involved for the first 3 years of her life, due to a traumatic situation involving her father. During that time (and long after), was when my addiction got really bad. I began drinking nearly every day, at times every single day, for weeks straight. I smoked weed occasionally, while I drank. I had a friend who was prescribed Vyvanse, and I took it. I got hooked on that for about a week, but I stopped myself before getting in too deep. I tried Adderal next, then came the cocaine. I loved the uppers, mixed with the alcohol. Dangerous ASF, by the way. I wish I never tried cocaine; it quickly became my demise.
I got kicked out of my mom's house and moved to another state, in December of 2023. My best friend was living there at the time, with her girlfriend, so I went to stay with them for awhile, to "get my shit together". Little did I know, the opposite would concur. I ended up staying there until February of 2024. I did nothing but drink, snort, party, smoke, sex, party party party. I got really sick a couple of times, but I didn't let that stop me. I prioritized my addiction over everything and everyone. I barely spoke to my family, my friends, or even my daughter... Everything had happened so fast, it was like I was living someone else's life. I didn't even recognize myself. I started selling myself for money, as I didn't have a job. I walked to the liquor store, 4 blocks away, in feet of snow, as I didn't have a car. I used my "friends" that I was staying with, treated their home however I pleased. I took my best friend for granted; she ended up moving out after her relationship became too toxic. I was damn near passed out on the couch (where I basically lived btw), while she was trying to talk to me about my alcoholism and drug abuse. I didn't care. I watched her leave and I stayed in that cycle for another month.
Eventually, it got to the point the girl I was basically squatting with had had enough. She told me I need to leave, because "even though she and her friends drink and use drugs, I never know when to stop. I have a problem. I'm taking advantage of the situation and the people around me". She was right. That night, I called my mom for the first time in who knows how long, and I broke down, completely broke. I apologized a million times, begged her to help me, and told her how terrified I was to get clean. She got me a flight back home the next day.
About 2 days after I got back home, I went out to eat with a close friend, and I had a drink. I'm not sure what it was, but after that one drink, I stopped for almost 6 months. I had started group therapy for people living with alcohol/substance use disorder. I hated it. I felt like I didn't belong, like nobody really saw me. I stopped going, and I started drinking again that summer (2024), as well as cocaine. I told myself and my family that I'd had a "different relationship with alcohol now", of course they didn't know about the cocaine, and the bottles I snuck in my room. Halloween came around, and I tried crystal meth for the first time. I got so fucked up I barely remember anything from that night. I realized again that I needed to get sober, so I admitted myself into another group therapy program, and this time around, I loved it; I absolutely thrived in there! I finally felt seen and understood. The group therapist was amazing, and I continue individual sessions with her to this day.
I met a girl in that group, let's call her Melissa. She was similar to me, too similar. We became very close very quick. She was sober for a little over 3 months until she relapsed. I stood by her the entire time, while I stayed sober. She was in and out of emergency treatment facilities; we talked on the phone the whole time she was there, and I drove her back home when she got out. First thing she did was drink. I understood her, but I realized I couldn't help her anymore, and I had to let her go. Then, about a month later, I slipped again. I called her up and we went to the bar together. That ended very badly. We ended up getting into an argument, which led to a fight in the parking lot. I don't remember much of that night, just a lot of screaming, crying, hitting, then eventually driving back home, barely conscious. By the grace of the Universe, I made it home in one piece. I haven't spoke to Melissa since that night. I hope she's doing okay.
That happened March of 2025. That was the last time I did cocaine. I got clean again, graduated from my program, and stayed clean for about 2 months. In May, I took a trip to Greece to study abroad, as I had enrolled back in college the beginning of the year. I had an amazing time, but I drank, quite a bit. I told myself "well, I'm in Greece, might as well make the most of it!" Right. Okay. When I came back home, I tried to manage my drinking and keep it to a minimum, whatever that means.
I am now 6 months sober! I am learning to cope through all the bullshit in healthy ways, and to appreciate all the good shit - because there's lots of it! I continue to go to therapy, I'm still in school, I see my daughter a lot more, I have healthy relationships, I've built this business for women like me to feel seen and understood, and I have a stable job. Looking back, I am proud of how far I've come, and am grateful for the things I've been through, because they helped shape me into the wonderful woman I am today. I used to hold a lot of regret and resentment from my past, and maybe I still do a little bit, but I'm trying to be better from it, rather than let it hold me back.
And that's what really matters, is we try. We're not always going to get it right the first time, or the second, or the twentieth, and that's okay. Because guess what - recovery is not a linear path. And whoever said there's a right or wrong way to rediscover YOU, was wrong. This shit is not easy, as we all know, but there IS hope. I still have my cravings, don't get me wrong, but if I can do it, you can too. That's what Her Sober Mind is all about: lifting one another up, and finding the courage and the strength through one another to keep going. It's never, ever too late, so don't give up.
With Love,
Ashley ♡
P.S. I'd love to hear from you; share in the comments your 'eye-opening moment' in your recovery, where you are on your journey now, or something that stood out to you!
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